Amazing Conversation in 3 Steps

Notes from the Science of People's mini-course.

People tend to run into the same conversational traps over and over again. This would look something like asking the same questions (ex. how are you, what do you do), getting not-so-interesting/aimless responses, an awkward silence, then the end of the conversation.

The biggest mistake that people make when talking to people, whether new or somewhat familiar, is being inauthentic and pretend to be someone they're not (usually someone more extroverted/outgoing). The reason why this is a mistake is that it rarely works and feels extremely fake (to you and the other person).

Step 1: How to Talk to Anyone

Stop using social scripts. Don't use default questions as they will lead to default responses. They don't get anything new or interesting. Social scripts also tend to be slippery slopes. Once you start to ask default questions the entire conversation will just default (lol) into a default conversation.

Start using context cues. Use the context around you to start off with the questions you're asking. (Ex. if you're at a conference you could ask them a question relating to it). The bonuses of context cues are that they are always slightly different (depending on the context), readily available, and have conversational safety.

Conversational safety is when you make the other person feel safe in the conversation. You need to show them that you are an ally by establishing common ground/rapport. Context cues are generic topics (ex. a conference) but not generic conversations. The difference between social scripts and context cues is that context cues are interesting, while they are both safe.

You should also think about whether your question will lead to a few-word response, or something longer, like a story/experience.

Some common context cues include: food/drink (people like to talk about it), new stuff, anything to do with location (ex. what brings you here), anything to do with the host, and anything to do with learning. The point is, the cue should be a perfect transition into follow-up questions to learn more about the other person.

Step 2: Always Know What to Say

What are your conversational goals? No matter the conversation, they should have a goal to them. You should have an intention to win something, whether it be friends, business, or new ideas.

Talking lanes are the way conversations are structured. A lane would be the topic and you should try and get further down the lane to get to know them more. You should structure your talking lanes around your conversational goals/intentions.

Switching lanes could be thought of like having a smooth transition between different topics. You don't want to abruptly switch lanes, but rather ease in new topics/lanes by transitioning when it is relevant.

During your conversational lane you should have generally 3 missions/reminders: stay in the same lane (topic) together, the farther you do down, the deeper the conversation, and if you want to switch topics make smooth lane changes.

Lane changes should occur in alignment with your conversational goals/intentions. Your lane changes should get you closer to your intention.

Also, try to have quality conversations over quantity conversations. It's not about how many questions you ask or how much information you got, rather the depth you go with each person you interact with.

Step 3: How to Speak so People Listen

Try and push conversational hot buttons, topics, ideas, or questions that piques someone's intrigue, pleasure, or curiosity. These turn conversations from good to great. They tap into the memorability of conversations. You should try and push these hot buttons often and also know when they are being pushed.

One cue is verbal excitement. This one is pretty straightforward, they just say something verbally that expresses their intrigue/excitement towards what you just said.

Another cue is non-verbal excitement. One of the surest signs of non-verbal excitement is the raising of eyebrows. If someone raises their eyebrows in a conversation it means you said something engaging. It is also likely a good sign to continue down that topic.

Everyone has their own unique hot buttons that you should look for in a conversation and they can change the course of a conversation. Some common hot buttons are personal passions, vacations, and family. Some emotions also lead to hot buttons such as awe, pride, reminiscing, and humour.

5 questions you can use to try and find hot buttons are:

1. What's new in your life?

2. What are you up to this weekend?

3. Working on anything exciting recently?

4. Have any vacations coming up? (my personal least favourite)

5. What are some personal passion projects you are working on?

Action items:

• Start using context cues to start a conversation

• Have goals/intentions for conversations and try to get as far down conversational lanes while also practicing switching topics smoothly

• Hunt down hot buttons people have and spark excitement in the conversation

• Combine all 3 of them to have a smoothly run conversation + practice